Magic trick

10am is the time of day that defines the rest of it. I putter in the morning, finding my attention and energy most acute at precisely 10am. I carefully decide what to do for the rest of the day using my 10am fervour, spending my brightest and most actionable moment thinking about what to do, and then getting things done with residual energy.

That was the way my mornings were supposed to go. These days, reality was one step removed. At 10am I imagined myself thinking about what I would do, while my body cocooned perfectly under a duvet. Days melted into nights. Depression, I thought, what a heavy word.

It reminded me of a psychology professor’s comment from long time ago, when hundreds of us filed into the large hall to listen to his lecture. We were there for psychology class, thinking we would walk out as psychics. Probably aware, he broke the news to us that psychology is a science. You arrive at a conclusion from an experiment, which you test only one variable at a time, and it all begins with a hypothesis. In an instant, we collectively lost interest. Attendance dwindled after the first class. We were there to peer into minds and see through people, not learn about them.

So is it really depression if you haven’t been tested? Mental health was talked about so much, it seemed almost self actualizing, like vegan diets and gamified workouts. Can we form a conclusion just by the way we’re feeling? But do you really need a diagnosis to label how you’re feeling? The back and forth ensued. I was mixing up concepts. Probably. My mind was a puddle.

I buried my head behind the sheets and sank my head a little deeper into my pillow. And like that, I disappeared from the world.

Depression. It’s a magic trick, right?